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Thursday, 13 November 2008

Currently
Black Coffee
By Peggy Lee
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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Black.

With good credit.

...That doesn't actually make sense.

Get off my back, I just started blogging.
Dear Big girls...

Guess what?

Guys love you.

Yup, we do. We love your personality, your wit, your love for kids, and most of all - your ability to cook.

We love when you come in the office with homemade food and offer us some.
We can't wait for the holidays, cause that means you're gonna make cookies and cakes and all kindsa treats.

BUT

We just can't show you off to our boys.

Remember how guys are ego-driven?

Yeah, that won't fly - bringing a 250lb, 5'5 girl around. Your boys will clown you.

"Yo, what's up with your fat girl?"

They ain't tryin to be the guy on the dance floor sweatin when the DJ plays "watch out for the big girl, b-b-big gurllll" ... nah.

Hit the gym for a few months, cut those calories, and then give us a call.
5'6, 160? I can handle that.
5'6, 140? Even better. Thickness is not a problem with me.

Two caveats and a tidbit:

If your boyfriend is big too, he might not mind so much.
Or if his mom is also big, because guys often end up with girls that look like their mom.

If you're big WHITE girl - you're the dating equivalent of roadkill. Do you know how many medium-sized white girls are out there? BILLIONS. You'd better at least get on their level.

I'm so hood.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Currently
Crazy
By Gnarls Barkley
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I like my women like I like my economy...

S T A B L E.

Yeah I said it.

Now I understand that all women are crazy...or maybe they just think too much.

Or maybe they're just victims.

"Guys MAKE us crazy" they say.

Nope, you were already there...we just probably made it worse...by not communicating and generally being knuckleheads.

Here's the thing...the more attractive women are, the more okay we are with them being crazy, or generally being bitches.

Ugly girls aren't allowed to be bitches! Who has time for that?
Oh wait, props to you Rosie O' Donnell. How you still have a job, I'll never know.

Pretty girls however, can say whatever they want, change their minds more than John Kerry, and generally "cute" their way out of any number of situations.

On top of that, they think being hot is an excuse for not giving head.

F u c k
t h a t
s h i t

Actually, that's probably why your ex left you.

But you didn't hear that from me.

You'd better take care of your man before he finds a girl who will! A seven who gives head beats an eight who does NOT every day of the week and twice on sundays.

"Oh but my man doesn't like head, he told me!"

That's only cause YOU DO IT WRONG. Stop biting him.

Anyway, that mind-numbingly-worms-its-way-into-your-brain song by Buckcherry (one hit wonder ftw) actually applies here.

You know: "Hey, you're a crazy bitch - but you fuck so good, I'm on top of it"

Oh wait, they made three albums? Who knew?

Anyway, we all like to have sex with hot chicks...but listen up ladies.

LESS CRAZY PLEASE

The next time you wanna spaz out over something and make it a big deal...sit down, eat a hostess cake, and call your girlfriend.

Especially if you're dating a black guy, we like 'em thick.

...oh, and I know this layout sucks. I'll be better soon.